What's Grief?

Someone who has been a part of your life has died and life as you have known it will never be quite the same. As James E. Miller, renowned author and grief counselor, mentions in several of his writings, no matter how prepared you thought you were, you may now be realizing you are not quite ready. And despite all the pain you have already endured, in no way could you have imagined the ache you are now experiencing.

You had no idea how your life would be affected. Your routines and rituals have changed and your world appears so different. But with each day you are learning as you travel on your journey of grief.

There are many ideas and theories regarding the order your grief should take. Some will even tell you the “right” way to grieve. All of this may be a bit confusing to you and you may come to wonder what the right way is. “The right way is your way.” Your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances of the death, your personality, life experiences and previous losses will all be factors in how you will grieve. Your grief is unique. This is true for adults as well as children.

As you ride the emotional roller coaster of grief remember that your feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are your feelings to experience as fully as possible. It is often helpful to share your feelings with others, whether it be friends, family, clergy or a support group. Being among people who support you can be an important source of strength for you. These are the people who will allow you to grieve in your own way and who will respect the fact that there is no timetable for grief. You may find it is those individuals who have been through the grieving experience who seem to understand it best.

Remember in all of this, grief work is hard work. It is exhausting to your body and mind. However, the only way to get beyond grief is to walk through it. Healing does come with time, patience and acceptance.

This article was compiled, in part, from the work of James E. Miller and his book Winter Grief, Summer Grace Returning to Life After a Loved One Dies.

FACING THE NEW YEAR WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED

Maureen Kramlinger, VITAS Consultant and Writer

When we are grieving, it is hard enough to live each day as it comes. It can be daunting to face a whole new year stretching out in front of us. We may be afraid of what the New Year might bring. We may worry whether or not we can handle any more challenges. Our current experience of emptiness and loneliness may make us reluctant to face a new year.

We might say to ourselves, “I used to be so busy. I used to feel so needed, so useful. Now it seems there’s nothing but empty space and empty time.” On-schedule delivery of another year might deliver more of the same. It’s bad enough to wake in the morning not sure what we’ll do with the day. Now, what will we do with a whole year?

Healing for the Holidays: Part 4 – A Lament for Your Loss

Does My Holiday Loss Count?

I've received a batch of emails in response to this series. One theme is: “Does my holiday grief count?” One person asked, “I haven’t lost a loved one, but because of a divorce, half the holidays I don’t even see my children. Is it still okay to grieve over that?” Another friend asked, “My adult kids live in Europe and I rarely see them for the holidays. Is that a reason to grieve?”

In writing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses (http://bit.ly/bKWaP4), I wanted to communicate that every loss, every separation is a mini-casket experience. Each loss is a reminder of the ultimate loss of death. That is not to say that every loss is of the same magnitude. It is simply to recognize the reality that all loss hurts because every loss is a separation, a tearing away of what was meant to be together.

Yes, your loss counts. Most importantly, your loss counts to God. That’s why He invites you, like He did the saints of old, to lament your loss. Today, let’s ponder six practical principles of lamenting holiday loss—whatever shape or size your loss takes.

Holiday Lament Principle # 1: Getting Started Is the Hardest Part
Many people find that the hardest part of the grief journey is simply getting started. Stepping on the path by facing your pain and hurt can be terrifying. All sorts of questions flood your mind.

“What will I feel? Will I be able to handle whatever I feel? What if my thoughts consume me and my feelings overwhelm me? Will anyone understand? Will anyone join me? Is it worth it? What’s the point?”

But remember, it is worth it. As we learned in Part One, denial changes nothing. Denial only prolongs the inevitable. Pretending doesn’t change the facts, can’t alter reality.

So don’t beat yourself up because you’re finding it hard to be honest with yourself and God. But do challenge yourself to begin the journey.

Holiday Lament Principle # 2: Other People May Not Understand
One of the ironies of holiday loss is that your family and friends may think that you’re the one who can’t move on because you’re still grieving. Often, the opposite is true. They can’t move on because they’ve never even started grieving. They’re the ones who can’t even look at pictures of the lost loved one. They’re the ones who don’t dare to talk about the relative who is away during

the holidays serving our country in Afghanistan. Don’t let their fear deter you. Don’t let their denial cause false guilt in you about your grief.

Holiday Lament Principle # 3: Be Honest with God—He Knows Everything Anyway!
What is lament? If candor is being honest with yourself about the pain you feel over loss, then lament is being honest with God about your loss and pain. Lament is facing your grief face-to- face with God.

We somehow think we’re hiding things from God when we refuse to verbalize them. But since God is all-knowing, and since He knows the thoughts and intents of our heart, He already knows all that we think and feel.

The Psalmists understood this, which is one reason why there are more psalms of lament than psalms of praise and thanksgiving. Let that sentence sink in. So tell God the truth...whatever it is you are thinking and feeling.

Holiday Lament Principle # 4: Be Courageous—God Invites Lament
But let’s be honest, this is where grief gets very confusing for the committed Christian. We love God; we know He loves us. We know God is good; we know life has now turned bad. So we want to know, sometimes we want to scream it, “How could a good God allow such loss!?”

But dare we ask? Do we dare verbalize our lament to God?

The Scriptures are clear—God invites lament. The Bible repeatedly illustrates believers responding to God’s invitation with honest words that would make many a modern Christian shudder. If you doubt that, read Psalm 13, Psalm 73, Psalm 88, Job 3, Lamentation 5.

Holiday Lament Principle # 5: Tell God the Truth—He Cares Infinitely
Lament demonstrates your faith in God. According to Psalm 62:8, if we truly trust God, then we’ll share everything with God. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

Think about that. The person who can’t be upfront with God about pain, loss, and grief, is the person who doesn’t trust God.

Pour out your heart to God. Why? Because God is your refuge.

When you lament, you live in the real world honestly, refusing to ignore what is occurring. Lament is your expression of your radical trust in God’s reliability in the middle of real life.

Holiday Lament Principle # 6: Honesty with God Draws You Nearer to God
Psalm 73 is a prime example of lament. Asaph begins, “Surely God is good to Israel” (73:1). He then continues with a litany of apparent evidence to the contrary, such as the prosperity of the wicked and the suffering of the godly (73:2-15). When he tries to make sense of all this, it’s oppressive to him (73:16). He then verbalizes to God the fact that his heart is grieved and his spirit embittered (73:21).

His lament drew him nearer to God. It did not push him away from God. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand” (73:23). He concludes, “But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge.” (73:28).

It was Asaph’s intense, candid relationship with God that enlightened him to the goodness of God even during the badness of life. “Till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. . . . As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O LORD, you will despise them as a fantasy” (73:17, 20). Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.

To deny or diminish suffering is to reject dependence upon God. God wants us to make use of our suffering, to remember our suffering, to admit our need for Him in our suffering, and to rehearse our suffering before Him.

The Rest of the Story
But what does God do when I am honest with him about my holiday hurt? What are realistic expectations about what happens in me and what God promises to me? Great questions—ones we’ll explore in our next post on healing for the holidays.
Join the Conversation

Psalm 88 is a classic psalm of lament. In fact, some have called it the Psalm of the Dark Night of the Soul. What would your Psalm 88 sound like?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting (http://bit.ly/bKWaP4).

by Bob Kellemen, PhD.

© MMX by author and/or Church Initiative. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Healing for the Holidays: Part 3 – Q&A About Holiday Honesty

I appreciate friendships that are secure enough for “push-back.” Someone who lovingly says, “Bob, I get what you’re saying, but what about...?” Today, I want to give voice to four possible “push-backs” on Part Two: Give Sorrow Words. Consider these as Q/A about just how honest should we be around the holidays.


Push-Back # 1: “But Doesn't Everyone Handle Grief Differently?”

Absolutely. Everyone handles grief differently. There’s no one typical response to grief, and there’s no one universally “correct” path toward healing for the holidays. Healing is a journey— a personal journey with God and we all take unique twists and turns on our journey.

Your timing will be different from mine. Your way will be different from your relatives. We can’t force anyone else, or even ourselves, onto a certain timetable or a one-size-fits-all plan.

That said, good research and caring engagement with people consistently shows that “denial” is a very common initial response to grief. And initially, it can even be a grace of God that allows our minds and bodies to slow down long enough to survive the horrors of our loss.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Faith Faces All of Life Honestly

Good biblical study reveals a clear pattern (not a universal command)—faith faces all of life honestly. That’s what candor is—a faithful facing of life courageously and honestly. On your journey of healing for the holidays, at least be aware that being honest with yourself (candor) is one signpost on your journey that you’ll want to zig and zag toward.

Push-Back #2: “But Not Everyone Is a Talker!”

It’s absolutely true that God uniquely designed everyone one of us—we are each fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Our different personalities, different backgrounds, different upbringings, different settings, different choices, and different loses all combine to make us unique.

So no one should ever feel, “I need to talk about this X amount.” Or, “I need to talk about this like Suzy does.” Nope.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Everyone Needs Relationship

Good biblical study reveals that God designed us to relate to Himself, to others, and to ourselves. We need relationship. In a sense, you could picture denial as a refusal to relate honestly to your own self.

Notice something about the passage we probed yesterday (Psalm 42:3-5). David starts by talking to himself! “Why are you downcast, O my soul?”

Candor doesn’t mean you have to blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets to every stranger who walks down the street. It does mean that you would be wise to start by talking to yourself.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Then put words to your feeling. That’s candor.

Like David, many people (not all) find that capturing their thoughts on paper can be very helpful. We might call it “journaling.” I like to call it “psalming.” Write your own psalm of candor about your holiday hurt.

Of course, in your uniqueness, maybe you’re not a writer. So what song conveys the feelings of your heart? Or what picture, image, or artwork conveys the ache in your soul? What movie scene captures your pain?

Push-Back # 3: “But People Are Clueless How to Relate to Me!”
Yep. Many times this is so true. And it’s one of the reasons we’re hesitant to be candid with others about our hurting during the holidays. Many people don’t know what to do after the hug.

And, there’s the biblical principle of not casting your pearls before swine. So, some people are so obtuse, so lacking in empathy, that it just may be unwise to share much, if anything, with them.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Find at Least One Faithful Friend
Good biblical study reveals that God designed the Body of Christ to comfort one another (2 Corinthians 1:3-9). Pray that God will give you at least one faithful friend who knows what to do after the hug. In your timing, slowly open up to your spiritual friend about your emotional pain. Others find that a recovery or support group of people with a similar loss is an excellent place to start the candor journey.

Push-Back # 4: “But I Don’t Want to Be a Downer Who Ruins the Holidays for Others.”
That can be a very other-centered thought. It also could be a cop-out, but let’s assume it is rightly motivated.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Christ-like Relating to Others
First, it’s a God-thing that you can be so thoughtful about others in the midst of your holiday hurt. That’s amazing!

Second, we’ve already said that candor is more about talking to yourself and at least one other godly, caring person. So candor doesn’t require you to interrupt the Thanksgiving meal to share your deepest hurt.

Third, in the long run, your candor now will bring healing hope for future holidays. Remember, No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The Rest of the Story
Healing for the holidays starts with candid honesty with ourselves, but it doesn't stop there. I noted that God created us to relate to ourselves, to others, and to Him. Holiday healing also requires honesty with God—what the Bible calls lament—the focus of our next post.
Join the Conversation

Which of the push-backs were running through your mind? How can you apply the push-back to the push-back?

Help for Your Healing Journey
For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting (http://bit.ly/bKWaP4).

by Bob Kellemen, PhD.

© MMX by author and/or Church Initiative. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Healing for the Holidays: Part 2 – Give Sorrow Words

C. S. Lewis famously wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Loss always hurts, and holidays are like a megaphone magnifying that pain. Or, for our generation, like the volume control on your IPod—holidays can intensify and heighten the pain.

In Part One, we saw Jesus and Paul giving us permission to grieve. Now we ask, “But what do I do with my hurt during the holidays?” Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words.” God’s Word models that principle—we need to move from denial to candid honesty about the hurt that holiday memories can bring.


“Don’t Talk about Him!”

I faced my first experience of the death of a loved one when I was ten. My grandfather died unexpectedly one cold, snowy day in early December. Two weeks later the extended family gathered at my Grandmother’s home for the holidays. Even as a ten-year-old, it struck me as odd that no one dared to mention “Moshe” (Romanian for Grandfather). The unspoken admonition was, “Don’t talk about him!”

For many reasons—spiritual, personal, and emotional—my family was uncomfortable and unprepared to talk about Moshe. Somehow the thought seemed to be, “If we don’t mention his name, then we won’t feel the pain.”

The Problem with Denial

The barren Shunammite woman of 2 Kings 4 pictures for us the problem with denial. After years of barrenness, she bears a son who fulfills a lifetime of hopes and dreams. Tragically, he dies. Life has sent her two caskets: the first one— her inability to conceive, the second one—the death of the child she finally bore.

Rather than facing her loss, she keeps repeating, “It’s all right.” Her heart is sick, her soul is vexed, yet she keeps insisting, “It’s all right. I’m all right.”

Have you “been there, done that”? I have. Faking it. Pretending. But we can’t play make-believe forever.

Eventually it all spills out like it did for the Shunammite woman. She finally screams at Elisha, “Did I not say to you, ‘Don’t deceive me! Don’t get my hopes up.’” Denial refuses to hope ever again, to dream ever again.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Hope hoped for, received, then lost again, makes the heart deathly ill. Fragile. Needy. We hate being there, so we block it out. We deaden ourselves by refusing to hope, long, wail, or groan because groaning exposes us as the needy people that we are.

The problem is, God made us longing, thirsting, hungering, desiring beings. So we follow a trillion different strategies for deadening our desires and shutting out the wail of our soul. But none of them work.

Denial is like trying to forcefully keep an inflated beach ball submerged on the ocean floor. We can’t. Like with the Shunammite mother, inevitably the pain forces its way to the surface—only made worse by our refusal to face it.

Playing the denial game at the holidays is particularly difficult. A million different reminders flood our memories. The traditions we shared. The family pictures. The empty chair. If we’re not careful we expend all our energy trying to keep that beach ball forced down, and we have little left for the loved ones who are with us now.

The Benefit of Candor

Candid honesty courageously faces the pain of loss. As David does in Psalm 42:3-5, triggered by his memories of days gone by.

“My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?”

The Apostle Paul does not tell us not to grieve; he tells us not to grieve without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). He chooses a Greek word meaning to feel sorrow, distress, and grief, and to experience pain, heaviness, and inner affliction.

Paul is teaching that grief is the grace of recovery because mourning slows us down to face life. No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The only person who can truly dare to grieve, bear to grieve, is the person with a future hope that things will eventually be better. When we trust God’s good heart, then we trust Him no matter what. We need not pretend. We can face and embrace the mysteries of life.

A good friend of mine provides a beautiful and powerful portrait of candid grieving with tenacious hope.

“Bittersweet is the word I use so often. My husband’s empty place and missing smile are truly hard to bear. Tears come so frequently and people don’t always understand how much it still hurts. My dad died in 1998 and all my and my husband’s grandfathers have passed on also. I don’t think I have really cried over them in years, just wistful memories and sadness. But the last few days I have totally broken down missing them! Grief is such a strange companion! But the sweetness is knowing they are all Home together with our Savior and I DO have the BLESSED HOPE of seeing them again and sharing all good times that have happened since they have left us!”

The Rest of the Story

Healing for the holidays starts with candid honesty with our self, but it doesn’t stop there. Holiday healing also requires honesty with God—what the Bible calls lament—the focus of our next post.
Join the Conversation

What words would you give your sorrow over your hurt during the holidays?
Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more aboutGod’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting (http://bit.ly/bKWaP4).

by Bob Kellemen, PhD.

© MMX by author and/or Church Initiative. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Holiday Dreams | 12 Ways of Christmas for the Grieving

Last night, I dreamed that God resurrected my beautiful son, Darnell. But morning renewed my mourning for him: Christmas trees, snow globes, and music greeted my grieving heart. Relate?

Christmas arrives like a pretty package full of grief triggers: Empty chairs, missing faces, and silent voices seem to haunt the holidays.